Dear friends,
Congratulations on your engagement. I am not an expert in marital affairs, but I write to you all this letter to bring light to what would be, moving forward, a vital part of your relationship, and that is communication. Through my studies at Ashford, I have taken many courses, but I have found this course more applicable and practical to our everyday lives; therefore, it is with great delight I share the things that I've learned with you. I hope that you will take the information provided here and apply it to every aspect of your relationship. Communication is not the only thing that you guys will need to work on; however, it is an essential one. In fact, not to scare either of you, but communication is the third reason people divorce as of October 2019 (Warren, 2019).
"Communication is crucial in marriage, and not being able to communicate effectively quickly leads to resentment and frustration for both, impacting all aspects of a marriage" (Warren, 2019). For example, not communicating which house chores each of you will do can lead to one feeling overworked and unappreciated. Eventually, this feeling will spiral into something bigger if triggered by any other negative emotion or event. At this early stage in your life-long journey, the lack of communication or poor communication could undoubtedly stir up conflicts that could spiral into other things that aren't so easy to handle. Hence, I am going to highlight five concepts of communication that you can learn and practicalize. These concepts are the principles of, and barriers to, effective interpersonal communications, the role of communication in developing and maintaining one's self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem, the importance of self-disclosure and emotional intelligence in various relationships, strategies for using communication techniques to resolve interpersonal conflicts, and last but not least, the impact of gender and culture on interpersonal communications.
The Principles Of, And Barriers To, Effective Interpersonal Communications
Like many things in our lives, we cannot become effective if we don't understand the root cause or problem of said thing or topic. There are specific principles that we must learn and put into practice if we want to work towards becoming better communicators. At a glance, these principles might seem like they're things that are easily accomplished or performed. However, this is not the case. Each of the five principles taught in the course requires an active and consistent implementation to achieve the best outcome. I want to highlight two of the five principles that I consider the most important. First, is to "acknowledge that your view of a situation is only one of many views." I think the saying "two heads are better than one" help explains this principle. Be mindful of how you judge each situation you are confronted with as you are just a person with a minimal perception when compared to the views of your spouse or others. When both of your opinions are combined, they come together to form a complete perspective, so embrace the differences.
Bevan and Sole recommends that you "try to take the perspective of other people and consider how their point of view makes sense to them" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 1.4, Par. 2). This quote is saying that a person's view (or your spouse's in this case) those not have to make sense to you; however, you should make it your responsibility to understand how they came up with such conclusions. If this is difficult to do, then ask questions like "can you clarify?" or "so what do you mean?" to help you better understand. Wanting to know why your spouse thinks the way they do can help you get to know them as a person, not a subject or topic to defend against. It could also help you learn new things about the issue that you might otherwise have been oblivious to. Try your best to be interested in what your spouse is sharing not just because you want to gain more knowledge, but also because you care about them enough to take the time to know them as much as possible.
Keep in mind before trying to fix the problem of understanding how your spouse arrive at their conclusion; you should be asking yourself "what communication barriers are preventing me from becoming an effective listener/communicator?" Communication barriers exist, and they can be caused by ourselves, like our psychological state, or caused by the environment to include other people and things, for example, physical noises. A reason you might not be willing or care enough about understanding your spouse's thoughts might be because of a past personal experience. When our minds get in the way of how we communicate with others, Bevan and Sole refer to this as psychological noise. Some examples of psychological noise are biases, prejudices, stereotypes, and even extreme emotions (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 1.2, Par. 18). We need to distinguish when our state of mind might be influencing how we communicate. Being able to tell whether you are behaving in a biased way during a conversation will save you and your partner the stress and frustration that are caused by miscommunication.
The Role of Communication in Developing & Maintaining One's "Self"
Self-concept can be defined as one's description or portrayal of him- or herself as a person, "based on an organized collection of beliefs and feelings about oneself" (Myers, 1993, p. 188). The four main things that help one form that description are the reaction of others, their comparison with others, the social roles they play in society, and the groups with which they identify (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 2.1, Par. 2). For example, my mother, out of anger, told me that I was unattractive when I was about twelve years old. Due to my state of mind at the time and the fact that she was my mother, I took what she said to heart. For a very long time, I believed that I was an unattractive man; until others in my life started to reassure me of my appearance, and I began to change my view of myself. How you take or handle the opinions of others is how the self-concept of yourself is formed. In other words, your self-concept is first externally imposed by others and then internally incorporated in your thoughts, feelings, actions, and communication (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 2.1, Par. 3). Your self-concept starts to form from when you were a kid and continues as you grow as an adult, meaning that it changes as things like your career progression changes. You can maintain a positive image of yourself by ignoring the statement made about you and remaining confident about who you are. However, if you aren't pleased with something about you, maybe you can evaluate people's opinions and take out what works best for you.
Your self-image, on the other hand, is a more general sense of who you are as an individual. Your self-image is more permanent than your self-concept; it is the combination of both your internal view of yourself and the evaluation of others, as well as your physical appearance, and the integration of your experiences, desires, and feelings (Bailey, 2003). To understand this, let's say that the experience that you didn't want to share with your partner was something that happened when you were a kid. Hypothetically speaking, if you were bullied about how you dressed as a kid, you'd most likely second-guess compliments about your dressing even as an adult. To develop a positive self-image, you have to refuse what others say about you. Doing so will help you come to realize what you have subconsciously believed about yourself based on what others have said to what you are worth. You can maintain your self-image by reaffirming to yourself what you know to be true about you whenever confronted with lies about who you are as an individual.
When your self-concept or self-image is weak, you will most likely have poor self-esteem. Your self-esteem is how satisfied you are with your "whole self" as a person. You cannot have high self-esteem when you are regularly taking into account the opinions of others and allowing them to change who you are as an individual. You must be confident in yourself as a person because it shows when you communicate with others. The confidence you need when you communicate can be quickly snatched if something from your past that offends you is mentioned. Having low self-esteem can become a toll on your relationship as your partner would have to continually reassure you about who you are, i.e., your self-worth. Always encouraging you about your self-worth is not the role of your partner. There's nothing wrong with your partner boosting your self-esteem through praises to stimulate healthy growth. However, when there is a constant need for such to be done, that's when there is a problem. Both of you are tasked with the responsibility of establishing your self-worth. If you have a problem with an aspect of who you are, you should communicate that to your partner so they can become aware and try to find ways to help you. For example, you should express how you feel about the way you dress so your partner is knowledgeable and can try to help you find ways to gain confidence in your physique.
The Importance of Self-Disclosure and Emotional Intelligence in Various Relationships
A scary part of interpersonal communication is that at times, we will make ourselves vulnerable to the other person. In a romantic relationship, this is even truer as you and your partner become one in many aspects of your life- like with your finances, house chores, sexual relations, etc. Sharing things such as your finances will require you to be more open and vulnerable to your partner. Self-disclosure is when you or your partner share information that could be very much kept personal. Examples of this information range from your past experiences, your fears that you have, bias, dislikes, or anything you wouldn't openly and easily share with anyone.
There will always be a fear of saying too much or sharing information at the wrong time. When others know you well, they have information that they might use against you in some way, such as by telling others, and you may fear being taken advantage of (Farber, 2006). In your relationship, I would suggest that you two become as vulnerable as possible. In general, people who are not particularly secretive, who are open and willing to say what they mean and mean what they say, tend to report greater life satisfaction, and probably are psychologically healthier, than their tight-lipped counterparts (Lazarus, 2018). The goal here is for your partner to love you for who you indeed are. The secretive version of yourself is not who you indeed are. If you want to be loved for being yourself, you need to allow your partner to get to know you for you.
Though vulnerability will be vital in your relationship, you should remember to allow wisdom to guide you on when to be vulnerable. There are is time and place for specific information to be shared; use emotional intelligence to determine when is the time is appropriate. For example, sharing that you were tempted to cheat while your spouse was on a business trip might not be appropriate to do at the family's Thanksgiving dinner. If you have a hard time knowing when or where to share certain information, it is always good to seek advice from a trusted third party, like your parents or close friends. Do not share information with those you don't trust because that same information might make to your spouse before you are even opportune to tell them yourself.
Emotional intelligence is having the ability to monitor, regulate, and discriminate among your own and your partner's feelings to guide your thoughts and actions (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). Being emotionally intelligent can help you decide when it's appropriate to share certain feelings and when it's not. Keep in mind that when certain information is shared, how you react won't always be the best way to. You should practice emotional intelligence by monitoring and regulating how you feel towards what your spouse shares with you if it isn't conducive or called for.
Strategies for Using Communication Techniques to Resolve Interpersonal Conflicts
Regardless of how knowledge and mindful both you and your partner are about interpersonal communication, interpersonal conflicts are inevitable. There are going to be times where you will disagree with your partner, and there will also be times where your partner will disagree with you. I do not say this to discourage you from pushing forward. I say this to make you aware of the reality we are faced with as human beings. This letter is intended to help you better manage your interpersonal conflicts and not necessarily to avoid them. To help resolve disputes, we need to monitor and modify our behaviors (paraphrased, Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 9.3, Par. 6). It is much easier to change ourselves than to try to change our spouse. Positive change in our behavior can, in turn, affect how our spouse treats or acts towards us. Your partner will be more inclined to change their behavior if they see that you're actively working towards becoming a better companion. If you notice something about your behavior that isn't quite right, you should try to change it before your spouse recognizes it. Or if you are unsure that's it could be a problem, bring it up to your spouse so the two of you can discuss it.
Another method of resolving interpersonal conflicts is to recognize and acknowledge when a conflict might not be resolvable (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 9.3, Par. 6). Just like how we can't always avoid conflict, we won't ever be able to resolve every single dispute. Understanding this concept is significant as it can reduce unnecessary stress. We use our energy only for things that are within our control and not worry about what we aren't capable of managing. When a conflict or situation gets out of hand, your goal should be to manage it, so it doesn't cause much damage. When conflict becomes destructive or physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive, removing yourself from the situation is likely the best—and safest—way to handle the issue (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 9.3, Par. 8). When faced with a verbally or emotionally abusive situation, I withdraw myself from the case. Sometimes this might mean going for a stroll to reset my mind, and other times it might be waiting for a few days or weeks before bringing it up again.
The Impact of Gender and Culture on Interpersonal Communications
Unlike biological sex, which is physiologically determined, gender orientation is a social construction based upon a combination of several different individual, societal, and relational factors (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 2.2, Par. 3). Gender orientation is defined as a "social, symbolic construction that expresses the meanings a society confer on biological sex" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 2.2, Par. 4). By definition, our gender roles in communication are formed by what society as a whole considers appropriate based on our biological sex. For example, in Liberia, where I am from, it is expected for the man to be more forthright concerning specific social roles, like defending his household, be it physically or verbally. Dispositional explanations for gender differences in social network structure and composition point to enduring, habitual behavioral tendencies (e.g., towards reciprocation, transitivity, frequency of communication, and so on) that make women's relationship building and maintenance style distinctive from that of men (Fischer & Oliker, 1983). Knowing what role our gender is expected to play based on the society we find ourselves can serve as a starting point for positively regulating our behaviors that might not befitting.
Our culture can have just as much impact on how we communicate. Culture is defined as a "specialized set of traditions, beliefs, values, and norms, or standards of behavior that have been passed down from generation to generation by way of communication" (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Sec. 3.1, Par. 2). Because of how we were raised, we can tend to look down on how others do things since we might think the way we do it is better. Ethnocentrism can be a hindrance to interpersonal communication. Assuming that what you believe or how you were raised is better than someone else's is wrong. We should be openminded when indulging in any interpersonal communication, especially with our spouses. It is okay to prefer how you do something compared to how someone else does it, but it is certainly not okay to think how they do it is wrong or stupid because it is different from how you do it. Disagreement in itself not conflict; however, when combined with disrespect is when there is a problem. Remember to always demonstrate mutual respect for your spouse, even in disagreements.
Resolving interpersonal conflicts in itself is in no way fun or exciting. However, if you value the relationships with your spouse and want to make it life-long, you all must be willing to learn and practicalize these communication strategies I have shared with you. Your marriage is valued at the amount of effort you put into making things work. Conflict management skills such as listening and apologizing when you are wrong can make all the difference in your relationship. I personally prefer the strategy of compromising has it is “perceived as being fair, even if no one is particularly happy with the final outcome” (Kenneth & Kilmann, 2016). If we want to grow in our day-to-day relationships, it is of no question that we must practice sound interpersonal conflict resolution strategies. I wish you all the best, and I certainly look forward to celebrating this huge milestone with you all.